200:365, swim

I sit waiting for the phone to ring, for an email to come in, for something.
Three full weeks I have been home, getting paid to test run being a stay at home mom.
I am anxious as all get out today, hoping to hear the final decision that my current employer will make.
My heart and chest periodically get tight- like the feeling right before the roller coaster takes you over the hump and down the enormous drop.
Perhaps it is a similar excitement that is building inside of me- I am on the roller coaster of life and this is just one of the drops that takes you into the loop, turning everything upside-down and your stomach inside-out.
Challenging my perspective, my point of view.
Challenging who I believe I am.
On Wednesday, as I sat on the edge of the dock looking across Donner Lake, I had the saying,
“Do one thing everyday that scares you.” running through my head.
That is when I realized I had already done that, I stood up for what I think I deserve. I put out the facts and spoke even though my voice shook.
But after that, I knew I wasn’t through with fright for the day.
So I went off and did a second thing that scares me.
The water that is made up of snow run off from Donner Summit.
Ironically,  the lake is one of the only places I could think of that would make things seem normal and calm.
But the frigid water is a scary thing to plunge into no matter how ‘local’ you think you are.
What I really needed was to wash it all away,
to clean the mental slate from the mornings confrontation
and to snap myself out of the broken record that was running through my mind.
Finally, I jumped into that cold, mountain water.
You know what, it wasn’t as cold as I thought it would be.
It was however, every bit as refreshing as I had hoped.
 I am taking that as a signal of things to come.
All this stuff that is scaring the shit out of me right now won’t be as bad as I am making it in my mind,
the waters won’t be as frigid.
Heck, it might even work out to be a million times better and more refreshing than jumping in a lake on a hot summer day.
untitled shoot-042-3

2 Comments 200:365, swim

  1. kyndale_pease July 23, 2011 at 3:25 am

    When my husband lost his job two years ago, I was scared shitless. All kinds of things were running through my mind as to how things would work out. Would we be homeless? Would we have to move out of sate? etc.etc.. I swear, it was a challenging time. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. So scary. I was so comfortable that losing our ability to put food on the table or pay our mortgage was insanely terrifying. I don’t know how I made it through. So, I know how you feel. I hope you got the phone call or whatever so you can move on to whatever it is.

  2. Vanessa/NessieNoodle July 23, 2011 at 3:32 am

    @kyndale_pease I actually had to go down to the HR Department today at 4:15 and ask what was going to happen in 45 minutes, was I unemployed, and if so I needed a letter stating so in order to begin the unemployment process. As frustrating as it is, I am on leave (paid, so that helps) until they sort it all out and decide. While I am glad I am being paid until they can get thier ducks in a row, I would really like to be done and move on to the next chapter. I am beyond frustrated, but am trying to keep a positive outlook for the outcome, no matter what that might be.


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